Our 35th prompt comes from NA. They ask:
Do you think it’s possible to identify as feminist and still be friends with someone who’s a misogynist?
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NA,
Good question. I think this is something you ask yourself earlier on in your journey as a feminist, when it occurs to you that people who are dear to you – your family and friends – don’t share your system of belief (see #3: Musings on Kenyan Feminism(s) #19: Can men be feminists? and #23: Musings on Political Lesbianism for more on feminism).
What is misogyny? A simple definition is that it is contempt for/hatred of women because of their gender. However, I think this definition is inadequate. After all, hatred and contempt can be said to be personal issues. What happens when we take a systemic view? We live in a patriarchal society. The patriarchy inflicts a penalty on one’s proximity to femininity. Patriarchy, therefore, is the cause of misogyny, as it punishes the feminine. And, if patriarchy is systemic, misogyny is systemic too – it pervades our institutions and social systems. Women experience hostility for being women, as well as acting in ways that are deemed to be against the expectations/norms of the patriarchy.
How so? Women are supposed to submit to male dominance in the patriarchy. They are supposed to want to please men. If a woman is educated, misogynists will say that college girls don’t make good wives because they want to work outside the home and do other things that don’t involve being a round the clock doormat for their husbands. Should she use contraceptives to ensure that she is able to control her menstrual cycle/have children when she is ready/doesn’t have 50 children/die of pregnancy, she is a slut. All she wants to do is have sex endlessly with all the men on the planet. Should she wear what she wants, she is obviously asking to be stripped. Or raped. Should she want to procure an abortion for whatever reason, she is a reckless slut who deserves to go to jail, or die and go to hell.
Any behaviour that does not include women being round the clock doormats for men will be penalized under the patriarchy and bring out misogyny. As Virginia Woolf said, “as long as she thinks of a man, nobody objects to a woman thinking.” Think about it – it is possible for them to love their mothers, sisters and female relatives, while being misogynistic towards other women. Why this duplicity? Because their mothers, sisters and other female relatives behave “as they should” according to them. And it is always about them.
Misogyny comes out in the most interesting ways. It can be trusted to magically appear when a woman has a point of view about anything. A mansplainer will quickly be at hand to interrupt and “explain” to her how “Well, actually…” believing that she can’t possibly know what she’s talking about as much as he does, domain expertise be damned. It waves its hand at us and smiles when women run for political office and the focus is on how much they smile on the campaign trail, what they wear, how they do their hair, whether they have wrinkles, and whether they may be on their period, as opposed to their campaign platforms. Misogyny reveals itself when women have to work harder at their workplaces to (most times) earn less than men, while being penalized for their success, for pregnancy, and while being expected to do the lion’s share of household work. When women are expected to do more emotional labour across all their relationships than men.
It is misogyny that allows police officers to laugh at women who go to the station to report domestic violence, telling them that it really isn’t that serious and they should be happy to have husbands/boyfriends to beat them in the first place. It is misogyny that tells them it is okay to release known rapists, while taunting the victims and asking them what they were wearing, whether they’d been drinking, where they were and why. All these things happen as our institutions/systems sit by and watch. Why? Because they are complicit, and because it goes unsaid that this is how things are supposed to be under the patriarchy. We could spend days, or even months, compiling a list of the way society is misogynistic.
Given what we know about misogyny, and the way in which it dehumanizes women, is it possible for a feminist to befriend a misogynist? Yes, it is possible, the same way it is possible to drink an entire vat of alcohol. But is it advisable? I don’t think so. What is friendship to you? To me, it is a relationship between two people that is built on mutual concern and good faith, in which you treat each other with dignity and walk with each other along a journey of growth and achievement of a higher self. Friendships are bolstered by common interests and values, by holding each other accountable, and by reciprocity.
Which makes me wonder, what does a friendship between a feminist and a misogynist look like? Is it built on mutual concern and good faith? Do both parties believe in the full humanity/dignity of the other? Does it lead to growth, or is it destructive? If it is destructive, what does that do to you? To your self-worth? You may think that your friendship will make misogynists “see the light” but at what cost? What happens to you when you have to justify or debate your humanity to those closest to you? Why do you want to enable your own oppression?
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This post is part of a daily writing experiment that I’m running for a year. I’d love it if you took part! ?